life sucks and honestly, what the fuck is the point. what do i accomplish by living? absolutely nothing. i am literally so useless and there is no worth in being on this planet. we are all equal in the grave. a dead body. ashes. some more missed then others, but we will all die eventually. i’m no longer feeling this way in a “i can’t do this anymore” sense. i just don’t want to. why would i spend 12 years of my life working my ass off at school just to feel worthless and dumb because of my grades. why would i spend the rest of my life stuck in jobs where i won’t be doing what i enjoy or want to do anyways. i just can’t quite grasp the concept of life or why anyone would want to go through with this. it’s pointless, honestly.
i really wish i could stop pushing people away. i fucking hate myself, why do i always do this. i really don’t know what it’s like for anyone to actually give a fuck so when someone starts, i don’t know how to react and end up blocking them out. and i can’t stop. i’ve gotten so used to being alone, anything else feels uncomfortable. sadness is my comfort zone.
Song of the night: All Signs Point to Lauderdale- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08PszRp2cBg
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sitting on the bus or at school and heard, “Why is she so boring?” “She looks so sad all the time, she has nothing to be sad about.” “Why doesn’t she talk?” “She’s a dumb emo.” “No, move over. I don’t want to sit by her.” HOW THE FUCK WOULD THAT NOT MAKE ME SAD. If people aren’t talking about me thinking I can’t hear them over my shitty headphones- WHICH I CAN, they don’t even acknowledge that I am there. I have never had friends where it mattered if I were there or not. I was always just the dumb quiet one. And people wonder why I stopped trying. I would stay up all fucking night long practicing things I would say just so that I could be acknowledged by my “friends.” Literally all I would think about is how to be accepted by these judgmental assholes that don’t give a shit about me. I keep waiting for things to get better but they just keep getting worse. There’s nowhere to escape. My home life is just as bad, if not worse. Not to mention I’m surrounded by the most judgmental, arrogant as fuck assholes you will ever meet. I hate this fucking town and pretty much everyone in it. I want out.